When I wake up...

...it feels like having a huge freight train running through my head! It's loaded with all my "coulda-woulda-shoulda"! And I can really feel that it's thundering heavy!

So... how do I handle this? I catch myself just lying there staring empty up in the ceiling. After some time, I realise, I just have to get up on my feet to get things done. People I know have asked me; do you have to do all those things? I've said to them, and it really feels like this; "Yes, yes, I have to cause if else there wouldn't be anything done! And what my life has tought me, it's true; if you're going to have a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g done, you'll have to put it out there yourself -maybe not always, but often...

To be proud of one's roots

I'm proud of where I come from, what was my upcome, and what brought me up and shaped me to be the one that I am today;

I'm proud of my father, for teaching me how to have patience with other beings than myself, I'm proud of having him as my guide to discover grace for different kind of people -to always see the greatness in others and to make them feel welcome.

I'm proud of my mother, for teaching me how to always strive for perfection, to always be on my way, to deliver as best as I can, and as good as only my heart wish! I'm proud to have such a talented leading housewife, as a teacher in how to make and keep a house my sacred temple. to welcome people with good food and surroundings. I'm proud to have a mother, who showed me how to appreciate people through gestures and welcomings!

I'm proud of having a brother who always has loved me, even when he had reason for being angry with me! I'm grateful for his love and protection in times when we just would've had a fight and when danger occured. I'm so glad we put a line to what's past and what's our new and wanted present. For continuing with our lives, even though they're pretty different, and we're from different worlds! Thank you for your patience with me! For believing in me, and for showing me your love in your way!

I'm proud of having such talented and wise grandmothers who tought me to have strength when I'm at my most weak, who showed me to keep my own inner light lit, and who taught me to care for me and myself. They've also at the same time tought me the art of putting other people in front of myself, and to care for others before myself. I'm also really greatful for them giving away in snackful portions of their lifewisdom, generousity and strenght in living! My love for you is deep and unconditioned!

I'm so greatful for having such good friends which I really appreiate, and that appreciate me! For baring with me, even if I work late, hard, never calls, don't get to see them as often, and aren't capable of getting to their birthday party! Thank you so fabulously much for giving me space, for always working our agendas together, and for always forgiving me for all my stupid wrongs, mishaps, misundertsoods and displease! Thank you for loving me unconditionally, for listening, hugging and for taking my frustrations! Thank you so much for not being cynical, to always show love, care and patience -it's a virtue! I love you!

I'm so glad I have a work which is really representing me! Where I could learn, grow and earn my living! Thank you for using me, for giving me an opportunity to live my dream! My thanks is bottomless and beyond oceans! Thank you, to all my colleagues for having patience with me when I'm stressed, torn and under pressure! Thank you for all those times when you guys gave me a hand, rinsed my color or just blowed that hair! I really hope you know how much all of you means to me! Ypur my extended family! :)

Thank you so much, my four big diamond girls! Who always blings! and brightens up my existence! You know who you are! I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart and very pure soul, for what you've brought into my life! You guys really made a change! And you left footprints in my heart! Thank you for being with me through thick and thin! When it rains and pours, and when the sun shines! Thank you for teaching me to appreciate my rights and wrongs, for showing me who I am, and for making a change in my life! I will never be finished on thanking you for this, so I'll just continue with it! Thank you so much!

I'd like to thank for my life on this beutiful planet! May we learn to treat it better, so we could live and grow better! Thank you for putting me through both light and dark, and all sorts of grays! Thank you for making me me! I really love my life! Thank you yet again... :-* !

Okay-okay!

I admit it! I'm afraid of dying! At least a little now that I've been visiting my famly, and to get to see that 5 have so much to live for! Grandma; you're company is always pleasant! And you and me; we laugh so well! :))

Days of thinking...

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about life -and a lot about death; we don't seem to keep in mind that this is a natural part of life, and, in spite, it's all around us at all times...

I love my life!

And I hope I will be able to live my life for a long time! Unfortunately, not all of us get to grow old of age -these days I've really been glad I'm healthy and that I have a job, and a family and friends who care. I feel that when death is really present to your existence; you really appreciate, said in an old way; what you've got! Sometimes we complain about different things, which in the long run doesn't matter! And what's so funny bout that, is that you're not aware of how granted you're taking things!!

A dear family-member of me is living her last days, and she's fully aware of it. It seems that she's the one really having control of her situation, and she's not sad, not as she has shown to me anyway. But to me, I have to admit, I really fear that fear of life coming to an end; it may be that I appreciate life greatly, or have so much to do before I go...

I love my life!

These days have really gotten me to see how glad I am to have a life which I have; I haven't met Prince Right, but at least I'm healthy, I have a career, and I have the possibility to still shape my life the way I would like it to be!

I think it's really important to always strive to do one's best -to me, it takes away the fear of regretting in things I've done, didn't get to do, or where in some way I wasn't able to. I think it's a great way of living, to always strive to do one's best! By typing that I do not necessarily meen to act like a saint, but just to try to always stay true to yourself and your wishes, and of course, in collaboratiobn with the people around you!

On the other hand; I wonder how I will meet death myself; with peace or with pain -I won't know till I 'll get there...

Christmas preparations...

After one week of long days of working, ridiculessly long, suddenly the weekend came, and I realised that Christmas is this year too, suddenly approaching! It hits me every year...

As years before, I realised that this year too, the year has passed so quickly by, and I'm yet again asking myself; "So, what did we get out of this year?". A whole lot has happened, but all in all, this year, I'm actually not so occupied of what I've got done or not.

A couple of weeks ago, news arrived me that a dear cousin of my mom is dying -she'll be lucky if she survives till Christmas! She has this rare cancer type, which isn't curable, and we could just hope for the best...

Tonight I finally got time to call her, without her, or me, being busy, as always... I was cooking dinner and while I was stirring over my pots and pans, we had a pleasant conversation, and all these memories came back, from when she babysat me -it was really nice! She told me she knew I was gay, and she wondered if I had gotten myself a boyfriend -I told her no. She said she would be jealous of me if I would get one, and that she didn't have the time to bother with men, because she just had till Christmas of living...

And I thought; OMG! And I who thinks that I don't have time for this and that, and whatever, and here I'm declared that a dear family-member of mine, actually don't have time, cause she's actually dying -talk about time's running out... I should not complain of my situation of running out with time -this truly shows, it could always be so much worse!

I'm a true believer of both Carpe Diem! and Carpe Noctem! It all just depends of the situation... I'm glad I' always trying to do my best, and always striving to get better. And, I'm also glad I'm taking my time to do things in a right manner, without cynicism nor evel second thought. I'd rather live in respect and harmony with mye surroundings and the people in it, than to go with cynical shortcuts, or with a pasture that is like "walking over dead bodies"...

I'd rather live, and in the end looking back, knowing I tried my best, for me and my people around me, to the people I love, and to our beloved planet, which is our home and hope for the future.

I promise to always do my best, to myself, my people and my surroundings. With or without, Christmas...

The City -and it's greatness...

I wish I could share with all of you lovely people who's following my blog, this City's (yes, I'm writing that with a big capital letter, cause it's not "anyother" city!) greatness -which I really could bring you through my blog, but that's not a realistic thing to try to do! You'll have to come, stay and be here for some time, a long week-end is not enough...

These two days which has gone since I wrote to you, have been really awesome! I've visited Lori at the Academy on Fifth, or the Exchange, as they say over here. I got to catch up with some work; I attended a cutting class in which Carmody Homan (http://www.redkensalon.com/skills/the-exchange/facilitators/carmody-homan/) and Hugo Urias (http://www.redkensalon.com/skills/the-exchange/facilitators/hugo-urias/) held -it was feeling like I was breething again! I love my work! Watching these guys beeing up there on stage, just gave me both thrills and chills! It felt like a huge relief to be in my "work-environment" but then just to sit, observe and absorb -great!  

It's so great to watch people who are really grounded in what they do -both artistic, and in how they give away information in such a delightful way! It has really been a HUGE inspiring time to be here, and I'll definately be coming back!

After spending the afternoon at the Exchange, I went to Avery Fisher Hall to attend a classical concert, held under the Mostly Mozart Festival which is held in NYC annually! I'm really glad mu aunt and my uncle once upon a time opened my eyes for this type of music, and just made me realize how great it was and still is! I almost cried during the concert...  http://new.lincolncenter.org/live/index.php/mm-2010-mmfo-aug-17-18

My way back home to my beloved hostel was lovely, warm and a delightful august-summer-night...

Highlights of the weekend... :)

The perfect saturday; I headed for The Grand Central Terminal -I just had to! I've heared so much about it, so I felt it was actually calling for my visit! The Magnolia Bakery had a department there, and of course; what else could I do besides sit down, have a piece of Devil's Food Cake, a coffee and read in my beloved Sex & The City Book -kiss and tell! ;)

The Grand Central Terminal is approaching -it's really huge, it's awesome to see it amongst all the skyscrapers! It's over a hundred years old!

Did you think that Vanderbuilt was just the name of a perfume?
It's not! It's actually the name of the builder and funder of the Grand Central Station!
http://www.grandcentralterminal.com/info/railroad.cfm

It is huge! And so beautiful! My camery does not justify it's Grandness!

And the ceiling was beutiful! Azuric blue, which shows different zodiacs...

The old ticket counters...

And the railwaypaths...

The Chrysler Building was just outside...

 Moving up north towards the Guggenheim Museum...

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It's a beautiful building...

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After spending some hours in there, I got out, the sun started to set...

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 ... 

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It was in fact, a really nice day... :) 

M